Thursday, April 10, 2014
A-Z Challenge: I is for Introdouche
Introdouche. It may not be part of your vernacular yet but it will be soon! It is when, especially at a bar, someone who is obviously douchey will come and introduce him/herself. It's especially uncomfortable when, after the person introdouches himself, they continue to try to spread their douchiness though the entire table is either in a relationship, married or would rather date a potato than this person. Now, to be fair, this is NOT meant for the decent guys/girls out there who are brave enough to introduce themselves to people they don't know. Not at all. We all know the douches that this is meant for: the ones who think they own the bar,the ones who have zero self awareness and cannot fathom that the seas don't part because they walked in the room, the ones who feel that they are entitled to everyone and everything...the douchebags. An example recently: a few friends and I went out for drinks. We were at a table talking, laughing, minding our own business when two douchekabob's came over and introdouched themselves. We all made it POLITELY clear that we were not interested but the douchekabobs apparently only spoke douche and couldn't understand our polite language. They stayed at our table talking about their douchey jobs and douchey cars. We didn't care. Not even a little. One in particular zoned in on me for some reason and while I was very polite at first, I couldn't deal with Douchey McDoucherson anymore. He repeatedly asked me if my "drink needed to be refilled" and I would make comments like "Why, does the roofie work better if the glass is full?" or "If it needs to be refilled I will have it refilled. Myself. Because I'm handy like that". This national treasure also said "You know, you should ditch the boyfriend. I wouldn't let you out in a bar alone." and I said "Is that what you say to all the girls you have chained to your radiator???? Awesome. How are you single???" He thought I was hilarious. I thought of putting the dull butter knife left on the table through my eye to make this guy go away. Then I got kind of mad. My friends and I were having a great time and though we're a friendly group and would gladly make conversation with others around us, these two clearly had a douchey agenda and would not take the hint. My friend was on the same page because she finally said "Look. You two seem great and all but we're seriously all set. Thank you for your time but we would really like to get back to our conversation". And with that, they left. And five minutes later we watched them introdouche themselves to another table of girls that looked about as impressed as we were. So to all the douchekabobs out there: calm down on the cologne. Relax on the gold chains and hair gel. If a girl is interested, allow her to make eye contact or SOMETHING first. Or if you really have to, don't introdouche yourself. INTRODUCE yourself. Be real. Introduching yourself only leads to you going home alone without the girl...and without dignity. Reeking of cologne and leaving a trail of hair gel behind.