Friday, April 4, 2014
A-Z Challenge: D is for Distance
Day 4 of this month long challenge...and this was a tough one. There are so many "D" words that I can blog about-"Douchekabob" (currently in trademark!), "Dance", "Dickhead"-how to choose? As with my friend Kevin, who introduced me to this challenge, I guess I have sort of a theme going (save for Crackhead! lol). I can only write about how I feel and what is affecting me at the moment and the theme I guess is personal crap? I don't even know what to call it but whatever it's called, it's whatever I am dealing with at the moment. Right now it's distance. There are many different kinds of distance but for me the ones I'm dealing with are: physical distance, professional distance and emotional distance. Distance is hard and can be overwhelming at times. It can also be a healing thing if you allow it. Physical distance for me is the easiest of the three. I mean, that's what computers and phones are for, right? I'm not someone that has to be with a person everyday. For the most part I'm pretty independent and enjoy people's company but don't necessarily need it. And the term "distance makes the heart grow fonder" was invented for people in long distance relationships. Physical distance can provide an even healthier emotional bond between two people because the sole way you are connecting is through talking, writing, coming from a place of emotion and not physical. Guards can be let down, things can be said that may be hard to say in front of someone. Professional distance is the middle ground for me. Right now I'm in a transition in my career where I can see the big picture-study, pass the tests, get your license and your dreams come true. But that's still in the distance-not a long distance in the grand scheme of things, but it's not happening tomorrow. But the thing is, with distance and time, you can allow doubt to creep in. "Am I smart enough to pass these tests? What if I fail??? What if the Zombiepocolypse occurs before the test happens, then what????? I've stopped working on survival skills in order to study!" On the flip side of that, you have to push back and say "What if I pass?? How big is the party going to be??? How many people to invite??? Will it be Zombie themed???" =) And then there is the worst for me personally: Emotional distance. Emotional distance can almost institutionalize me. I would rather go a year without seeing someone, communicating whenever we can than to know that the person is within reach physically but emotionally is completely distant. That is the hardest thing in the world for me to handle and the hardest thing in the world for me to understand and accept. I have this complete inability to shut people out-if someone reaches out to me, I HAVE to reach back. It's a compulsion really. In my life, if there is one thing I've learned, is that time and life are not guaranteed. They're just not. And the biggest regret people have is what they DIDN'T say, what they DIDN'T do. How could I play a part in that sort of regret for someone else? Currently I am going through the physical/emotional distance with someone I care very much for...and it's one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. It's an odd thing really, to have two people together that have polar opposite reactions to things but yet truly care about each other. To be so distant but to know at the end of it there is something special there, something neither person has allowed themselves to experience in such a long time...and that if the stars align and if the dew point is at a certain degree, it will all work out and be worth it in the end. I don't know what else to say about it except: Distance. It can really be a bitch.